"bunch of crazy white people... "

Every Billboard Modern Rock Chart #1 through 2005, listed in order of preference.  

109. Sugarcubes, "Hit"

February 29 - April 3, 1992

I can only think of about ten Bjork songs that I wouldn't want Einar to rap on.

A small story which never happened
I said ouch! This really hurts!
That can’t be this has been
Practised for millions of years
Therefore we are
Yes, but I, I’m a boy


110. System Of A Down, "Aerials"

October 5-25, 2002

I'm not suggesting they should sell out more. Please, go on making goofy progblitzes peppered with gratuitous Eastern European flourishes, dudes. One grand ballad an album is plenty, my mp3 folder is full enough as is.

Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose


111. Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"

July 4 - August 7, 1998

This Johnny Rzeznzizk power ballad was better than any Paul Westerberg OR Richard Marx had made in the ten years before its release, and he did it with better hair! The student had become the teacher.

And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am


112. Nine Inch Nails, "Bite The Hand That Feeds"

May 28 - July 1, 2005

An energized dance number that challenges its audience to break free of the current economic/political malaise, when most of his chart peers would settle for telling off a greedy girlfriend over sludge. Don't feel too bad if you didn't get past his pro forma holler and lyrical imagery, though. Dude should have to throw a twenty in a jar every time he uses the word "blood."

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?


113. Big Audio Dynamite II, "Rush"

August 10 - September 6, 1991

One of the least justified attempts at a "My Way" in history ("somehow I stayed thin while the other guys got fat" says a man who often wore his hat indoors), but enjoyable anyhow. Spritely, whimsical, brings to mind fond memories of So I Married An Axe Murderer.

Situation no win
Rush for the change of atmosphere
I can`t go on so I give in
Gotta get myself right outta here


114. Sinead O'Connor, "The Emperor's New Clothes"

May 12-18, 1990

I worry I'm underrating what may be the most unapologetically feminist #1 modern rock hit in history, a feat that's unlikely to be bested anytime soon. But lyric aside, the track doesn't rock wild enough to "cut Aerosmith," as Robert Christgau once fantasized. Even in the video, the audience stays seated. Feet are shown tapping, though.

Everyone can see what's going on
They laugh `cause they know they're untouchable
Not because what I said was wrong
Whatever it may bring
I will live by my own policies
I will sleep with a clear conscience
I will sleep in peace


115. Porno For Pyros, "Pets"

June 19 - July 17, 1993

The end of humanity's dominance here on Earth, like the existence of Perry Farrell, will not disrupt the karmic balance of the cosmos.

My friend says we're like the dinosaurs
Only we are doing ourselves in
Much faster than they
Ever did
We'll make great pets!


116. Audioslave, "Like A Stone"

May 17-30, 2003

I've said this far too often, but one more time: I would be a big Audioslave fan if it wasn't for Chris Cornell. Rage was good, and the band's recent music shows a depth beyond what they could accomplish when they had to back a vocalist who could only yip and whisper. They show a lot of personality while keeping things minimal and terse, creating a distinctive sound during a very homogenized time in rock. Unfortunately they drafted a moody Dave Coverdale, one of my least favorite vocalists of the last 20 years. They should have gotten Rod Stewart, who does ballads better and would have them run through old Faces songs live rather than "Black Hole Sun." Chris is a little more sympathetic here, even though he sounds like his tongue's shot full of novocaine, and Tom Morello gets off one his most shameless woop-woop solos yet.

In your house
I long to be
Room by room
I’ll wait for you there
Like a stone
I’ll wait for you there


117. Sum 41, "Fat Lip"

August 18-24, 2001

They really should have rapped more often.

Then if the egg don’t stain you’ll be ringing off the hook,
You’re on the hit list wanted in the telephone book.
I like songs with distortion, to drink in proportion.
The doctor said my mom should have had an abortion.


118. Jimmy Eat World, "Pain"

December 4-10, 2004

Elaborating their stance on "pills," first offered on "Bleed American," Jimmy Eat World take Fugazi's energy and politicized role playing and buff it to a high gloss, which is better than simply replicating it, or doing one of their less frenzied Heights covers.

It's a lie. A kiss with open eyes,
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
It takes my pain away!
Nevermind these are hurried times.
Oh oh oh, I can't let it bother me.


119. Semisonic, "Closing Time"

May 30 - July 4, 1998

If I was DJing at a bar and wanted to take a big sardonic dump on all in earshot, assaulting the vulnerable and annoying the confident, I'd throw this on at 5 'til. I assume that's what Semisonic always intended it for.

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here


120. Beck, "E-Pro"

April 2 - 8, 2005

Gorillaz meets Slow Train Coming, so thank X3nu he's still a shitty Dylan.

I won't give up that ghost
It's sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There's too much left to taste that's bitter
I won't give up that ghost
It's sick the way these tongues are twisted
The good in us is all we know
There's too much left to taste that's bitter


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