"bunch of crazy white people... "

Every Billboard Modern Rock Chart #1 through 2005, listed in order of preference.  

97. Green Day, "J.A.R."

August 26 - September 1, 1995

Compared to the emo hits of today, I feel really lucky that '90s punk bands weren't determined to shroud themselves in ridiculous poetry. Not so much for how it would have changed my adolescence (overwraughtness was a given either way), but for how much embarassment I'd feel in retrospect.

And I think it's alright
That I do what I like
Cause thats the way I wanna live
Its how I give
And I'm still giving


98. Incubus, "Drive"

March 3 - April 27, 2001

It's a sunny day, and you're driving your customized Honda Civic. You're cognizant of your problems, your issues, but the sun's out and you feel unusually lucid and calm. It's a good time for one of those acoustic guitar/drum machine California ruminations complete with gratuitous DJ scratches. For a while, they were always on the radio when you needed them.

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I’ll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before, it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
Lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel


99. Garbage, "#1 Crush"

January 4-31, 1997

PJ Harvey for popists, originally available on the Romeo & Juliet soundtrack (the Maxinquaye for popists, who sure get to save a buck).

I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
And tear it apart


100. Green Day, "American Idiot"

September 25 - November 5, 2004

It still sounds fatalistic, and I still prefer "Walking Contradiction," but I do appreciate a multi-platinum rock band identifying with "faggot america" (let us never forget Pansy Division) and better they rewrite "Walking Contradiction" than "Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)."

Don't want to be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.


101. Counting Crows, "Einstein At The Beach"

August 13-19, 1994

When he puts some energy behind his sophomoric Van babble, Adam Duritz's enthusiasm can be contagious. A meditative guy who likes to dance! Cute, if you don't begrudge his hair extensions.

The world begins to disappear
The worst things come from inside here
All the king's men reappear
For an eggman, on and off the wall
Who'll never be together again


102. Jesus & Mary Chain, "Blues From A Gun"

December 89, 1990 - January 19, 1991

I bet if they danced on stage they'd get the T. Rex groove even tighter, but seeing skinny boys on Harleys is still pretty fun. If Jim Reid was talking about a receding hairline, that opening bit would knock them up a couple notches.

I don't care about the state of my hair
I got something out of nothing
That just wasn't there
And your kiss kiss kiss
Is never gonna blow me away


103. Barenaked Ladies, "One Week"

August 22-28 & September 5 - October 2, 1998

One day I realized the bile I had for this dorky, tangent-laden tribute to romantic dysfunction and pop culture was just self-loathing. And who am I to knock the dude's flow?

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will


104. Bush, "Glycerine"

December 16-29, 1995

Desmond Child was exercising with Jon Bon Jovi one day and noted how much he liked that new song "Kiss The Rain." JBJ laughed and said the song was called "Glycerine." Desmond thought "kiss the rain" was such a great lyric that he wrote a crappy song with that title for Billie Myers. I'm telling you this because I have no respectable explanation for why I like this song. Novel arrangement? Nice melody? Time making it sound like an unusually harsh pop ballad rather than watered-down Nirvana? I guess.

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields


105. Foo Fighters, "D.O.A."

November 26 - December 9, 2005 & December 24, 2005 - January 6, 2006

The latest #1 on this here list, and what a fine finale it is. A member of Nirvana cockstrutting about his suicide blonde with a strong groove and no acknowledgement of irony whatsoever. Emo hair takes effort, emo rock is metal, do the math.

Oh you know I did it
It's over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste of sweet decline


106. Limp Bizkit, "Re-Arranged"

December 18-24, 1999

Surprisingly lithe! That rhythm section was made of total jazzbos, you know.

It seems that your not satisfied
there's too much on your mind
So you leave and I cant believe all the bullshit that I find
Life is overwhelming
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
I'd love to be the one to disappoint you when I don't fall down


107. Juliana Hatfield, "My Sister"

September 11-17, 1993

Oh, if only Jessica had known about the Del Fuegos...Ashlee could have some cred.

I hate my sister, she's such a bitch.
She acts as if she doesn't even know that I exist.
But I would do anything to let her know I care.
But I am only talking to myself 'cause she isn't there.


108. Depeche Mode, "Policy Of Truth"

June 2-8, 1990

I anxiously await Linkin Park's "sexy" phase.

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell


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